Now What? My Experience With Grief

The phrase “now what?” has crossed my mind daily since my mom passed away. From the moment my mom left us on earth I have not sobbed once, I have felt plenty of sadness, hurt, and loneliness but more of just wonder and the repeated phrase “now what”. Of course, I have cried countless times, but nothing extreme like I imagined I would. I told my friends “I’m okay right now, I guess it will hit me later” but about a month has gone by now and I’m still waiting for that ball to drop. After a lot of thought, I started to wonder did I already go through the five stages of grief? 

For a back story for those who are unaware, my mom was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer in January of 2018 and her battle ended on March 19th, 2019. 

During those 14 months, I experienced every emotion imaginable but even among the highs and the lows I persevered and for that I am proud of myself. From begging to leave Mississippi and transfer schools after learning that my mom was sick, to being selfish and putting my happiness first and removing the controllable negativity in my life, to packing up my life into two suitcases and moving across the world all by myself for almost five months, to returning to a town that I hate and reminds me of insincerity, to losing my best friend way too soon - I am still standing. Upon reflection, I believe it is a possibility that I moved through the five stages of grief during those 14 months.

Denial:

The first two months of 2018 I definitely faced my fair share of denial which basically consisted of me constantly crying. I felt like my ENTIRE world was falling apart. I didn’t really know what to do with myself I just wanted it to go away and wake up from the bad dream. I was overall confused and shocked. How could this be my reality? Why my mom, why not someone else? Why now? How did God let this happen? My world was turned upside-down and every day hurt. I felt very alone and just heartbroken.

My Last Memories With You

Disclaimer: this is written very sloppily, this is more for myself organizing my own thoughts and very journalistic writing 

It was February 28th, I had just finished my last class for the day and I decided to call you as I walked to my car. You didn’t answer, which had become a normality due to you sleeping a lot during the days or being kind of out of it. But shortly later you texted me and told me you and dad were headed to your appointments and you’ll call me back when you’re home. Finally later after dinner you called and this was our last phone call. You told me you went to your very last oncology appointment, they told you they had done everything they could do and they basically told you goodbye. You told me you and dad went to the local funeral home in Keller and started to make arrangements. You asked me if I thought you should be buried or cremated. You told me how hard of a day it was for you and that you wanted to take some of the burden off of us and start planning the funeral stuff now so we wouldn’t have to later in a couple of months or so. I offered to make the slideshow of photos for the funeral for you because I had made my own video for graduation in high school. We talked for probably an hour and just cried and talked about death. I will never forget that phone call because it was the hardest one in my whole life. We talked about how I would be home next week for spring break and we could hang out the whole time - me, you, and Bentley. 

Coincidentally, that was also the last time we ever spoke on the phone. That was the last day you ever sent me a text. That was the last time we actually had a conversation with you being coherent. 

As my family and I know, my mom never accepted the fact she was terminally ill. She spoke of high hopes, miracles, and fighting. She was in complete denial until about February. Personally, I believe she fully accepted the fact that her time was coming to an end on February 28th and I believe that was the day she started to die.