Now What? My Experience With Grief

The phrase “now what?” has crossed my mind daily since my mom passed away. From the moment my mom left us on earth I have not sobbed once, I have felt plenty of sadness, hurt, and loneliness but more of just wonder and the repeated phrase “now what”. Of course, I have cried countless times, but nothing extreme like I imagined I would. I told my friends “I’m okay right now, I guess it will hit me later” but about a month has gone by now and I’m still waiting for that ball to drop. After a lot of thought, I started to wonder did I already go through the five stages of grief? 

For a back story for those who are unaware, my mom was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer in January of 2018 and her battle ended on March 19th, 2019. 

During those 14 months, I experienced every emotion imaginable but even among the highs and the lows I persevered and for that I am proud of myself. From begging to leave Mississippi and transfer schools after learning that my mom was sick, to being selfish and putting my happiness first and removing the controllable negativity in my life, to packing up my life into two suitcases and moving across the world all by myself for almost five months, to returning to a town that I hate and reminds me of insincerity, to losing my best friend way too soon - I am still standing. Upon reflection, I believe it is a possibility that I moved through the five stages of grief during those 14 months.

Denial:

The first two months of 2018 I definitely faced my fair share of denial which basically consisted of me constantly crying. I felt like my ENTIRE world was falling apart. I didn’t really know what to do with myself I just wanted it to go away and wake up from the bad dream. I was overall confused and shocked. How could this be my reality? Why my mom, why not someone else? Why now? How did God let this happen? My world was turned upside-down and every day hurt. I felt very alone and just heartbroken.

My Last Memories With You

Disclaimer: this is written very sloppily, this is more for myself organizing my own thoughts and very journalistic writing 

It was February 28th, I had just finished my last class for the day and I decided to call you as I walked to my car. You didn’t answer, which had become a normality due to you sleeping a lot during the days or being kind of out of it. But shortly later you texted me and told me you and dad were headed to your appointments and you’ll call me back when you’re home. Finally later after dinner you called and this was our last phone call. You told me you went to your very last oncology appointment, they told you they had done everything they could do and they basically told you goodbye. You told me you and dad went to the local funeral home in Keller and started to make arrangements. You asked me if I thought you should be buried or cremated. You told me how hard of a day it was for you and that you wanted to take some of the burden off of us and start planning the funeral stuff now so we wouldn’t have to later in a couple of months or so. I offered to make the slideshow of photos for the funeral for you because I had made my own video for graduation in high school. We talked for probably an hour and just cried and talked about death. I will never forget that phone call because it was the hardest one in my whole life. We talked about how I would be home next week for spring break and we could hang out the whole time - me, you, and Bentley. 

Coincidentally, that was also the last time we ever spoke on the phone. That was the last day you ever sent me a text. That was the last time we actually had a conversation with you being coherent. 

As my family and I know, my mom never accepted the fact she was terminally ill. She spoke of high hopes, miracles, and fighting. She was in complete denial until about February. Personally, I believe she fully accepted the fact that her time was coming to an end on February 28th and I believe that was the day she started to die. 

Finding Peace Through an Australian Sunrise

Most people view studying abroad as an extended vacation, a bunch of college kids traveling for a semester, seeing amazing sights, making the best memories. But during my first few weeks, I have learned that most people studying abroad are here for a reason. It’s not just an entertaining trip, everyone here is searching for more than just a good time. From people who had rough years, to people who fell out of friendships, suffered health complications, lost themselves, or simply just trying to figure out life: everyone came here for a piece of peace.

Byron Bay Lighthouse at dawn.

One morning in the vibrant Byron Bay during the ISA Orientation, we woke up at 5:00 am packed into some hippie van and drove out to a lighthouse up the coast to watch the sunrise. Little did I know this would be one of my most beautiful memories of my time in Australia.

Byron Bay Lighthouse standing alone on the cliff.

An Odd Year

Someone once told me it’s the odd number years. Those years are the hard ones. It’s usually the constant pull of highs and lows and the good years are the even numbers and the bad ones are the odd numbers. After this year I think I agree.

2017 was a year of firsts. It was a year of letdowns. It was a year of confusion. A year of realization. 

It happens so fast, like a car wreck you didn’t see coming. One wrong move and everything changes. 

The start of 2017 consisted of high expectations while coming off the high which was the year 2016. You think everything is great so of course, your positive outlook and gracious attitude will carry on to the next year because the date is only changing not your life. But for some reason that truly did mark the moment when things began to change. As spring faded to summer so did my feelings of infatuation with my new life at college. Not that I was necessarily unhappy, just maybe going through a rough patch. I was ready for summer to go back to how things were before I moved across the country. I wanted to go back to the city and be surrounded by my high school friends and hang out with my dog. Nothing too out of the normal. 

Through the summer months, I fulfilled those homesick cravings and I was ready to go back to my college life and take on the world. I had high expectations. I couldn’t wait to live in my adorable new cottage with my best friends and have my other gal pals a few cottages down. I just knew sophomore year would be the best yet. And I felt that way until two days before I moved back to school.

Twenty Years of Realization

It's 12:00am November 2nd, 2017. It is my birthday and I am now 20 years old. Two decades of life. It's ironic how we look forward to something for so long and by the time we finally reach that idolized point in time we are ready to move on to the next stage of life. 

College was my idolized stage of life from the age of twelve onward. I knew "those would be my years". I looked forward to moving away, making new friends, getting to finally create my own life for myself not the one I was given by circumstance growing up. Freshman year of college I would tell everyone that college was everything I ever imagined and more. It felt so right. I was thriving. It was exactly where I was supposed to be. But as seasons fade so did those awestruck feelings. After getting the crave for change out of my system I realized everything I had left back home. They always tell you you don't realize what you have until it's gone and man let me tell you, they were completely right. It's not that I gave up some spectacular life back home, it wasn't life changing or anything, but what I tried to replace it with did not suffice. 

I have learned to appreciate everything about 110% more than I ever did before moving away. I didn't realize how impactful the place I grew up was to me. How the plentiful opportunities shaped my interests and needs. How much the quality of conversation and the quality of friendships meant to me. I thought I knew before I left. I thought I knew so much. But really I was blind. I was the poster child for tunnel vision and I had absolutely no clue. I believed there was more out there. Not in a big world picture but in a relationships and sense of belonging.