College was my idolized stage of life from the age of twelve onward. I knew "those would be my years". I looked forward to moving away, making new friends, getting to finally create my own life for myself not the one I was given by circumstance growing up. Freshman year of college I would tell everyone that college was everything I ever imagined and more. It felt so right. I was thriving. It was exactly where I was supposed to be. But as seasons fade so did those awestruck feelings. After getting the crave for change out of my system I realized everything I had left back home. They always tell you you don't realize what you have until it's gone and man let me tell you, they were completely right. It's not that I gave up some spectacular life back home, it wasn't life changing or anything, but what I tried to replace it with did not suffice.
I have learned to appreciate everything about 110% more than I ever did before moving away. I didn't realize how impactful the place I grew up was to me. How the plentiful opportunities shaped my interests and needs. How much the quality of conversation and the quality of friendships meant to me. I thought I knew before I left. I thought I knew so much. But really I was blind. I was the poster child for tunnel vision and I had absolutely no clue. I believed there was more out there. Not in a big world picture but in a relationships and sense of belonging.
It's funny because everyone has this idea in their head that they will be able to "reinvent" themselves in a new atmosphere but really you'll probably find yourself more and those qualities you already possessed will grow stronger and more prominent in your character. The disadvantage to this is the fact that nobody knows you beyond the surface level. You move somewhere new and you make all these friends and for the first six months you're blown away by the tightness of these recent strangers who now fulfill your life and slowly you realize the actual disconnect. These people didn't see you at your lowest point senior year of high school. These people didn't fight for you when you didn't have a strong enough voice to fight for yourself. People don't know the weird phases you went through and those old friends you don't hang out with anymore but still consider family. The days and events shaped you and people back home understand why you are who you are because they were there, they were evolving right along with you. And I don't mean this as a diss to those friends from college, it's just a different type of friendship. Maybe that friendship can grow into those like you have back home but that won't happen in a years time. No matter how much you tell people nothing compares to living through things with others. Time is what all relationships need.
Post teenage development is a weird phase to go through because the point where you feel most in tune with yourself comes out of a point where you are more alone than ever. You have to rely on yourself solely and that's when your traits become stronger. They develop through the changing environment. The environment doesn't change you though. The environment enhances everything that was already there. You just have to accept it and embrace it.
It's 1:00am November 2nd 2017. It's is my birthday. I am officially 20 years old. And I'm happy to be entering a new decade of life.
XOXO - Del
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