Someone once told me it’s the odd number years. Those years are the hard ones. It’s usually the constant pull of highs and lows and the good years are the even numbers and the bad ones are the odd numbers. After this year I think I agree.
2017 was a year of firsts. It was a year of letdowns. It was a year of confusion. A year of realization.
It happens so fast, like a car wreck you didn’t see coming. One wrong move and everything changes.
The start of 2017 consisted of high expectations while coming off the high which was the year 2016. You think everything is great so of course, your positive outlook and gracious attitude will carry on to the next year because the date is only changing not your life. But for some reason that truly did mark the moment when things began to change. As spring faded to summer so did my feelings of infatuation with my new life at college. Not that I was necessarily unhappy, just maybe going through a rough patch. I was ready for summer to go back to how things were before I moved across the country. I wanted to go back to the city and be surrounded by my high school friends and hang out with my dog. Nothing too out of the normal.
Through the summer months, I fulfilled those homesick cravings and I was ready to go back to my college life and take on the world. I had high expectations. I couldn’t wait to live in my adorable new cottage with my best friends and have my other gal pals a few cottages down. I just knew sophomore year would be the best yet. And I felt that way until two days before I moved back to school.
They asked if I was okay, I said I was going to be. It was more of a state of shock. It was like someone had stolen the light right out of me. Just hours before I was so hopeful, excited, finally really happy. But in an instant, everything changed and I had to accept that and swallow my tears and leave it behind as I went back to school.
I figured it would be hard, I figured it would be weird. But it took time for me to realize the magnitude of the situation because it all happened in an instance. The first night seemed so normal, it had me thinking it was all going to be okay. Maybe things really hadn’t changed like you said they did. But as you subconsciously slipped away the truth came out. Sharp and bitter. Nobody knew what was going through my head, they didn’t know what the words you said to me they didn’t know about all of my tears.
The truth came out that night. The truth I tried to avoid but sometimes things don’t work out and you just have to let it go. So that’s what I did. I let you go. Nobody there understood, they believed it would get better with time and things would go back to normal. Maybe they thought I was being dramatic or maybe they sided with you and thought I was in the wrong. I don’t really know but I do know after that night I had to do what was best for me and I couldn’t do that with you around so I had to distance myself.
I couldn’t go through each day without dwelling on the what if’s, questioning my decisions, analyzing words, trying to make it all make sense. It was lonely and I felt uneasy in my own home. How could I live in a space with the person who hurt me the most?
Months of inner mind battles and cry’s for help nobody came to my side. My stress and anxiety increased, my hair fell out, my skin got bad again, and I knew I wasn’t okay. My inner emotions had taken over and now even my body was showing signs of distress. Everyone continued to act like nothing had happened and left me alone to further distance myself trying to find my peace. It consumed me. How can a best friend get up and close the door on a friendship? How can they say one thing to you repeatedly only to mean the exact opposite? How can someone learn to trust again when the one person who was supposed to have your back ended up being the one stabbing you in the back?
It is one thing to be burned by a guy, but it is an entirely different thing to be burned by your best friend.
But as the months went on I grew stronger. I found a part of myself I didn’t know before. It was easier to be alone than to put on a face for others, I learned to enjoy being alone. I learned what I expect out of friendships and how I deserve to be treated. I have accepted what happened. I have accepted that I lost a best friend. But they say things happen for a reason so maybe it will make more sense one day.
And now we are in the final days of 2017 and although things didn’t get resolved maybe they are getting better, just in time for the new year. Thank God 2018 is an even number.
XOXO - Del
XOXO - Del
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